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Manager/Assistant Relationship

Posted By: Joan Burge on 6/1/2009

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Mgr/Asst Team

K Harrison asks:
Hello, do you have any stats on how long it takes to form a solid boss/assistant relationship? I know a lot is chemistry and communication.

Sometimes I feel that some bosses are unrealistic in the time-line for their new assistant to know them and be able to read their minds or interpret their next move.

Thanks.

Dear K,
I know from 38+ years of experience and having more than 16 manager/assistant relationships that it takes about 6 months to feel semi-comfortable with everything, including each other and 1 year to really start to mesh (if that is even going to happen.) Chemistry definitely speeds up the time line as far as the relationship comfort even though the assistant is still learning many new aspects of the job or her/his manager. Communication makes a huge difference. As the assistant, you can try to speed up the process by initiating ongoing communication with your manager and asking for feedback.

Thanks for the great question.

9 Comments

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- Jun 02 2009, 11:06 AM Linda Hicks
- Joan is spot-on in her comment regarding the relationship "time-line." In 32 years as an EA, my first three bosses and I had instant chemistry/strong communication, which absolutely spoiled me for working with those that followed. Numbers 4 and 5 and I developed the chemistry THROUGH good 2-way communication, and I learned a lot from them. Number 5 was unexpectedly replaced by #6, and after 4 years, we are just now beginning to "get" each other. I have been participating in Joan's "26 Weeks to Administrative Excellence" and found it extremely helpful in jump-starting a stalled-out career right where I am. As with most of the "growth spurts" and "aha" moments in my life, I realized that somewhere along the way I had abdicated responsibility for my own growth and happiness in my job, and placed it on my boss. This course reminds me of who and what I am as an Executive Assistant. I have been blaming my boss for ignoring that -- but when I ignore my own gifts and abilities, how can I expect someone else to acknowledge them? I have adjusted my attitude and am ramping up some skills, which renews confidence lost, and reactivates the proactive go-getter who has been in hibernation too long. My boss has not changed at all -- but so far, his response to my renewed proactivity and energy speaks volumes to me about my responsibility for my own job satisfaction. The short version: Take responsibility, ask questions, initiate conversation when you don't know what your boss wants. You're the only one who knows what you need (information, instruction, guidance), and though you might expect your boss to know that (and provide it)--she probably doesn't--and won't unless you ask for it. So get off the sideline, pick up the ball and run! LH
- Jun 02 2009, 4:17 PM Annette Pomykal
- Ditto to what had been shared. Personally, I must have chemistry with my boss. If I don't, I now focus on my strengths as a MAXIMIZER by analyzing them (giggle). Before reading this book by Marcus Buckingham, "Now Discover Your Strengths," I would pull myself in several directions spending SO much frustrating time on the weaknesses of the relationship (e.g., not being able to communicate with them, not finding common interests with them, can’t do anything right kind of mindset, why can’t I read my bosses mind, etc…). Using the strengths tool, I am energized building relationships because I am using my strengths to seek them out and looking for signs of their strengths so that we can find some similarities in the relationship (I hope this makes sense). From this book allow me to describe what I mean by "Maximizer” is described as taking something from below average to slightly above average takes a great deal of effort and in your opinion is not very rewarding. Transforming something strong into something superb takes just as much effort but is much more thrilling. Strengths, whether yours or some else's, fascinate you. Like a diver after pearls, you search them out, watching for the telltale signs of a strength.” Bottom line, don’t worry about stats or his negatives….focus on your strengths and be energized building the relationship using your strengths. Worked for me and still does.
- Jun 02 2009, 10:41 PM Joan Burge
- Dear Annette, Very good advice. Thank you for your wonderful story about your career journey. And I love the last few lines of advice using the analogy of a diver. You are a good writer, too! Thanks so much for taking time to comment on my Blog.
- Jun 03 2009, 5:11 PM GM
- I too need chemistry with my boss. It took about 6 mos for the relationship to really start clicking, and a good year for us to really become in sync as a team. I read Becoming an Inner Circle Asst. as soon as I assumed the EA role. I have a background in HR, Employee Development, Team building/Training, Meeting planning and group event coordination, which has helped me in this role. My boss and I now work as a team. I am enthusiastic about going to work every morning since I learn something new almost every day since my boss treats me more as a partner rather than a "secretary". I have read Joan's second book, Underneath It All, and am in the process of taking the weekly training sessions which have reinforced everything. It has been 2.5 yrs since I assumed this role, and I love it! I would like to thank Joan for sharing her knowledge which provided me with a great foundation in the career path.
- Jun 03 2009, 5:12 PM GM
- I too need chemistry with my boss. It took about 6 mos for the relationship to really start clicking, and a good year for us to really become in sync as a team. I read Becoming an Inner Circle Asst. as soon as I assumed the EA role and began applying the information provided on building partnerships, etc. I have a background in HR, Employee Development, Team building/Training, Meeting planning and group event coordination, which has helped me in this role. My boss and I now work as a team. I am enthusiastic about going to work every morning since I learn something new almost every day since my boss treats me more as a partner rather than a "secretary". I have read Joan's second book, Underneath It All, and am in the process of taking the weekly training sessions which have reinforced everything. It has been 2.5 yrs since I assumed this role, and I love it! I would like to thank Joan for sharing her knowledge which provided me with a great foundation in the career path.
- Jun 03 2009, 6:58 PM Jessica
- I have been working with my director for 5 years and we have had many ups and downs. Now that I am taking charge of my professional development, I feel our relationship has progressed to the next level. Communication is definitely the key to it. Sometimes I'll initiate a conversation with, "I didn't take my mind-reading pill today, so please tell me...". Humor can help ease the tension, but as with anything, you must consider the timing and the context. My Director and I also make time to talk personally.
- Jun 06 2009, 11:03 AM Nadine
- In my experience (28 years), I have found an almost instant connection with anyone I've worked with. I believe it's due to humor. One needs to have a positive attitude, perform the tasks with no errors (proofread, proofread, proofread) as well as go 'above & beyond', all while having the ability to make someone laugh/smile. You should then be able to connect almost immediately. I believe we need to remember that we spend more waking hours with our bosses/coworkers then with our family/friends and it's important to not only get the work done, meet deadlines, multitask, but to also have some fun. During an interview, one question which I think is important to ask your potential employer is: 'What one word best describes you?' You can learn a lot from that one word. Just my thoughts.
- Jun 08 2009, 3:11 AM veronica ezekiel
- To the below line : As much as I agree, What if you are with a Manager who does not answer Take responsibility, ask questions, initiate conversation when you don't know what your boss wants. You're the only one who knows what you need (information, instruction, guidance), and though you might expect your boss to know that (and provide it)--she probably doesn't--and won't unless you ask for it. So get off the sideline, pick up the ball and run!
- Jul 01 2009, 8:52 AM Jeri Jensen CAP
- I fully agree with Nadine. An appropriate sense of humor, a positive attitude, accurate and timely performance, along with going "above and beyond" can greatly shorten the time it takes to develop trust. There are those bosses, though, who are for lack of a better term, "Executive Assistant Resistant." All an assistant can do in these situations is ramp up communication efforts (business and personal) and periodically evaluate how things are going. Sometimes due to not wanting to fail, assistants stay in non-working relationships far too long. I have done that myself. Since "hindsight is 20/20," I now put my own time limit on how long I am willing to allow for a great working relationship to develop before deciding to move on. While there are many components to a great job, this issue is vitally important. It is o.k. to fail, and we must take our own needs into consideration along with those of whom we serve. Assistants need to set boundaries in order to maintain the confidence required to build a true partnership with their boss. They also need to consider that any resistance from the boss to allow a truly collaborative working relationship or too much pressure from the boss to develop one more quickly than the assistant is comfortable with is, at least in part, the boss's problem. I have seen too many extremely capable assistants blame themselves 100% when mutual responsibility is clearly the case. Whether things are or are not working, there are plenty of signs along the way. Taking time, on a regular basis, to think through the specifics of what is going on will help you to develop your own feel for how long it is going to take to develop a solid working relationship. It will also help you to see more clearly who needs to adapt or change and to then make decisions that are easy to act on.

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